Not again Harls!
by HelenQuinzel
Summary: Harley's just found out she's pregnant and it's not the first time! Now she doesn't know what to do! Should she let Ivy take care of everything or hope this time Mistah J will be ready for a new addition to the family?
1. Chapter 1

"Slow down puddin' my feet hurt!" Harely whined as she rushed after The Joker, hanging off his arm like a child, "Goddammit woman not now, I'm busy!". Harley dropped from his arm with a sigh "When are we gonna find the new hideout, my back reeaaallllyy hurts and this hammers real heavy!" Joker swiftly turned on his heels to face Harley and his fiast connected with her jaw. Harley's eyes started to fill with tears as she spat blood into the street. "Oh cheer up pooh you know it's coming when you moan like that and out hideout's right here!"

Harley stopped her tears as she gazed up at their new hideout, it was a big appartment building. Clearly abandonned and all theirs. "Aww puddin'! It's beautiful "! Harley dropped her mallet and ran towards Joker with the intent of leaping into his arms, Joker promptley turned and shoved her to the ground, " Now keep that pretty little smile and no more goofing off till we're upstairs!" Harley wanted to inquire if they had to go all the way to the top floor but decided against it,  
it wasn't worth the beating.

As soon as they arrived in their dank appartment HArley ran to the probably germ ridden bathroom and begin to violently throw up. She could hear Joker's laughter from the next room and for a fleeting second the word "jerk" ran through her head. That thought was soon replaced with the thought most common for Harley "At least my puddin's happy"

Harley rose from her slumped position by the toilet and collapsed on the bed, it was early morning and they'd been walking all night. "Oh no your not getting away with it that easy, naughty harlequin!" The Joker's voice was soft in Harley's ear. "Just be gentle Mistah J, I'm tired" Harley half moaned half whispered.  
The Joker let out a mighty laugh "HAH, oh Harley baby when has that ever been an option! There's no fun in that!" Joker fliped Harley and threw her down on her stomach, dashing her clothes on the floor. "Oh Mistah J!" 


	2. Chapter 2

Joker was gone and it was mid afternoon, Harley was sore all over. She surveyed the various bruises all over her body, there were even a few cuts. "Damn!" There were a lot of bruises. Harley skipped to the bathroom and cranked the warm tap on the shower. Joker had left Harley's bag in the bathroom, how sweet she thought, he knew she'd be needing it.

As Harley stood in the ice cold shower she tried to lather cheap soap all over her body, even through her hair. She began to absent mindedly count the days since their dareing Arkham escape on her fingers. Suddenly Harley gasped and fell the the bottom of the shower in a heap and began to wail. "Not again, not again, not again." She muttered frantically over and over to herself till the water stopped. What could she do?

Digging to the bottom of her bag Harley wrapped her fingers around a small red flip phone, an emergency gift from Pammy and God knows this was an emergency. Harley punched in the only number she knew off by heart, tears still in her eyes as she tried to compose herself. "Hiya Red?" Harely broke down.  
She choaked and sobbed down the phone incoherently and when she was finally finshed there was a reply. "Harls? Oh God! It's happened again hasn't it?"  
Harley nodded and managed to whimper an "I'm sorry" down the phone. Shortly after Harley disclosed the whereabouts of Jokers super secret hideout after less than a day of staying there. 


	3. Chapter 3

Harley was sitting outside in nothing but a towel, her hair was soaking and she was freezing. She was praying Red would get there before Mistah J. Suddenly a pink blur tore up the street, it was Ivy! Harley jumped up almost dropping her towel and Ivy scowled at her "You could have at least gotten dressed! I know your stressed but try to look less conspicuoius, we are wanted criminals you know!" Harley whimpered and Ivy had the feeling she'd been too harsh too fast.  
Ivy walked over to Harley taking off her coat and placing it around her shoulders then giving her a gentle squeeze. "*sniff* Thanks Red" Harley said slowly.  
"Come on you clown, get in the car. I've got a new place too you know!" As they both sat in the car Ivy blasted the heating and turned sternly to Harley,  
"You know you should have put some clothes on you might get sick...you don't want anything bad to happen this early on, everthing effects a baby Harls"  
Harely began to cry and clung to Ivy, who momentarily took her eyes off the road to plant a reasuring kiss on Harley's head.

Harley awoke with a jump to Ivy rocking her awake, they were still in her car but now they were parked outside a drug store. "Look Harls I'll be right back,  
I'll pick up the tests to make sure. You know the drill just warn me if anyone comes." Harley nodded her big blue eyes stared into Ivy's terrified. It was the third time this had happened, well at least Harley was pretty sure it was the third wondered if her puddin' was home yet, she wondered how he would feel with her gone. Relieved probably, relieved until he needed something then her would be furious. Her thoughts were cut short as the security alarm went off in the drugs store and Ivy came running back towards the car her arms full of different pregnancy tests in all different brands. It would be a fun night trying all of these out Harley sighed, "Red I don't even gotta pee!" Ivy slammed on the accelerator and shot Harley a stern look, she was mad. Harley shut up.

-  
"Good news Harley girl!" Joker yelled as he kicked through the door of their hideout. "HARELY!" he yelled, usually she was in his arms by now Joker sighed the kid was probably all tuckered out from last night poor thing. He knew just the thing to wake her up "Hey toots wake up or I'll carve you up!" he giggled stalking through the house. He whipped out the blade from his pocket and entered the bedroom. Where was she? "Harley girl are you hiding from me, was I a little too rough? Daddy's sorry!" Daddy was not sorry, he was furious. That girl doesn't know what's coming to her when she get's out of her hiding place.  
Joker walked into the tiny bathroom, it stank of vomit and rusted pipes, well at least she's showered he though. Harley's probably went out to get dinner that was it!

Joker sat on the bed and thought of killing Batman, oh the joys! He began to laugh and thought of the other person who brought lotsa laughs into his life. His Harley. God how he love- he stopped the thought and began smashing the items in the room. Love that dumb blonde! He noticed her clothes from last night on the floor. Thats strange, her costume was still in the bathroom and these were her only other clothes. She wouldn't have walked to the shops naked again would she? The Joker felt a pang of worry in his mind- he crushed the thought down and laughed again "Dumb dumb little harlequin"

-  
The car stopped and Harleys eyes widened, Ivys house was massive! With an amused glance Ivy turned to Harley "Do you like it?" Harley looked to Ivy in disbelief! "Like isn't word Red, this a a palace! *sigh* But it ain't got nothin' on me and J's new love nest" Ivy should have expected this reply but she was still angered by it. Ivy took Harley's arm and led her to the door, "The key's in my coat pocket Harls, can you open it?" Harley did what she was told as always, as they entered Harley ran towards the bathroom taking a fistful of pregnancy tests with her. Harley KNEW she was pregnant but she had to make sure, make it official.  



	4. Chapter 4

Harley had drank so much soda it was a wonder that she still had teeth left, she had peed on approximetly 34 pregnancy tests sometimes she had used 4 at a time. She just really wanted to make sure and now she was real sure. "Hey Red! When dooyah think I should go home and tell Mistah J about the baby?" Ivy was in the kitchen chopping vegetables but quickly stomped into the living room where Harley was reclining on a chair. "When, how about never Harley? Do you ever learn? Remember the first time? Or how about the time after that?" Ivy was furious but Harley just crossed her arms and pouted "Last time he was real happy...then got real angry...but it was an accident! Honest he even cried after!" The Joker crying was a foreign thought to Ivy so she blanked it out, sometimes Harley was so difficult! "Just stay here, I can kick Harvey out for a while, he's barely ever here anyway..." Harley jumped out of her seat, "Wait Red, you kick you're puddin' out! I've seen you slap Harvey before too, don't be so judgy judgy of me!" Ivy was now far beyond furious so she done what was easiest to her,  
"You're right Harls, but just stay the night okay? I'm just worried!", she let Harley be Harley.

Harley got the bed and fell asleep straight away, Ivy couldn't believe she was the same person as this morning. Harley was back to her delusional self and Ivy couldn't sleep at all. Instead she decided to make a plan, how to keep Harley here for 9 months? How to keep her safe for 9 months? How to keep her from running back into the Jokers arms and getting ripped apart? It was stressful being Harley's only friend but it was worth it in the end up. Plans were forming in Ivy's head but she'd have to talk to Harley about them too, after all it seemed like this time they'd be in it for the long haul.

-  
This was the worst joke Harley had ever played on the Joker, he couldn't sleep he couldn't even draw up plans for fighting Batsy! He felt phisically sick, why did she not have clothes on? Where could that twit be! Joker began pacing around the room, he couldn't orchestrate just how mad he was "I swear she can't tiptoe her way outta this one! That girl, that girl, she won't even be a girl when I'm through with her!" He began to run horrible scenarios through his head that was the problem with being a psycopath you always knew what the worst situations where! But Harley was smart, well she is sometimes occasionally smart. There had to be a reason!

The Joker composed himself and walked to the nearest payphone, he didn't know why it had taken him so long to figure it out. That bitch had tried to snap up his Harley again, that explains the lack of clothes! She was kidnapped by that lesbian bitch! He thought he was clear that Harley was his toy and nobody elses, what did he have to do piss on her? Joker added a pocketfull of change to the payphone and called up Two-Face, he had the bitch's number. After a long and frankly dull conversation he had Ivy's number and he reluctantly began to dial.

-  
Who calls at 4am? Sadists? Ivy rolled over from her terrible nights sleep and grabed the phone closest to her. "Hello, hello? Who is it?" Ivy bellowed down the line. She was greated with long irratic laughter. Oh fuck. "How the fuck did you get this number, was it Harv I will fucking kill him! And why are you calling me, it's 4am, did you know that? Did that register in your crazy scheming clown brain!" Ivy shifted nervously for a reply, she was scared and her plan was hardly foolproof. "I believe you have something that belongs to me, me, MINE. You have somthing of mine. Not something precious but something useful that I want back right away!" Ivy now had to hold back her rage, possesive much? Ivy was protective to Harley but she knew she didn't own her, despite wanting to sometimes. "Look Joker Harley's kinda sick and she said she didn't want to-" Oh how would Harely put it "gross out her puddin', she's staying here for a while"  
Suddenly the phone disconnected. So far so good, way to go Pammy insance clown now has even more of a reason to kill you than previously.

Harley was still asleep and Ivy snuck in to check on her, why does she stay with him? She could have so much better, yet she is completely incomprehensively in love. It's sick and perverted but love and in their own way, it kinda works- Ivy slammed the thought out of her head. Don't you dare try justify them being together, you're her only friend, you save her. 


	5. Chapter 5

Uh oh. Harley awoke with a churning in her stomach and stumbled out of bed, she just managed to make it into the bathroom before she began to convulse. Morning sickness is a real bitch, but at least this time Harley was only sick a few times, soon she was up and feeling as good as could be! She had a little JJ in her tummy and it was gonna be a real great surprise for Mistah J! She knew the last few times hadn't went so well but this time it would be better, it wasn't his fault really he had just lost his temper at her like usual but forgot she had another little guy in her belly. She didn't have a reason to be nervous, why was she so worried earlier? It would be fine.

Harley walked through the living room and saw Ivy still asleep on the couch. "Wow, she looks worse than me!" Harley thought as she made her way to the kitchen,  
Red was being really nice so Harley wanted to be nice too. She'd try her best to make Red a nice veggie breakfast! As Harley walked into the spotless kitchen she noticed a large notice board filled with newspaper clipping, Harley began to study the board. "Harvey Dent Joins Race For Gotham DA" wow Red was a real scrapbooker. "Oooooo!" Harley squeeled as her eyes turned to the centre of the board, it was almost exclusivly dedicated to her! Ivy had used a marker to scribble out any mention of The Joker but left Harley intact. Harley even spotted the articles from her and Ivy's famous crime spree. This was great but she'd best get back to the breakfast.

The fridge was full of veggies, fruit juice and what looked like a range of poisons. On second thoughts maybe it'd be safer to wake Red up and see what she could make that wouldn't kill her. Harley sighed her fridge was usually empty but at least when it had food in it she knew eating it wouldn't kill her! She walked into the living room again and walked over to Ivy. She was mumbling something and Harley being Harley bent over her to find out what it was. "I'm so sorry,  
don't do that, don't let him! Get away from her, please,please,PLEASE! You don't understand." Red must have been having a nightmare, she was thrashing around and her mumbles had grown into what seemed like terrified cries. "HEY RED! Wakey wakey, it's time to feed Harley-" Ivy's eyes snapped open and she saw Harley leaning over her, "Red you okay you look like hell! You were having a nightmare and it's not even night anymore! Harley was giggling uncontrolably now waiting for a reply.

-  
Harley was right, Ivy was having a nightmare. It was horiffic, for the first time in years it had made her feel...helpless. Ivy sat up and gestured for Harley to take a seat next to her. "I did have a nightmare Harls, it was about what could happen to you and your kid if I let you leave here again without some kind of plan."  
Harley was visibly upset now, Ivy hated shattering Harleys illusions but sometimes it was neccesary. "Red? You worried about me again? It's fine!" Ivy slid her arm around Harley's waist, staring her in the eyes, "No Harley. Look I want you to lie to Mr. J, I know it'll be hard but I need you too. Do you think you could do it? For the baby Harls." Ivy kept her eyes on Harley, watching her uncomfortably squirm. After a long time Harley nodded and rested her head on Ivy's knee. They stayed like that for a long time with Ivy stroking Harley's blonde locks.

Ivy stood up and made for the kitchen, Harley followed and sat cross legged in the centre of the kitchen floor. Harley began to sing but Ivy blocked it out. She cooked up some harmless veggies and served them up to Harley. Ivy couldn't eat. "Hey Harley, any day now Joker's gonna be here and you know that right?"  
Harley looked up from her food and nodded. "Okay, I need you to pretend you've agreed to be my...guinea pig. You must tell Joker I'm testing a toxin on you that could kill Batman and I need you to stay here till my research is done. Tell him it could take a while..." Harley seemed to be following remarkably well, she wasn't protesting at all, she was probably just over the moon at the thought of seeing Joker soon.

As Ivy began to walk to the sink to do the dishes she turned, "Harley, you do understand this means you absolutely CANNOT tell him about the baby right?"  
Harley jumped up "Awww but Re- Pammy! This is too hard! I can't just lie to my puddin' like that! He needs to know he's not just my daddy but someone elses daddy now!" Ivy shuddered but began to think of something that could end the conversation..."It's not lying Harls it's just not telling, come on don't you miss staying with me anyway! It'll be like a 9 month holiday." Wrong thing to say, but at least the coversation was over. Harley had darted out of the room leaving a trail of tears screaming messages of hate at Ivy. So far so good. 


	6. Chapter 6

"Hey...boss?" The Joker turned around agitated "What?!" All of his henchmen flinched as he rose with a disheveled look about him, he had barely slept since Harley had left (It had been a month and a half). "We were wondering if you want us to pull a heist? Just a little one and you can take a rest? Please J we're worried." They sounded just like Harley. The Joker drew a pistol and shoot the brave little henchman who dared question him. "No, come on boys I've had no luck with plans recently, why don't we just go cause some ha-ha-havock in the town! Roco clean this up." Joker stormed out and got a drink, he didn't usually drink, he usually had something else to fill his time.

He was drunk swerving through the streets of Gotham, fast in a stolen car. His goons were out in the streets commiting mindless acts of violence; petty theft; robbery and carjacking. Joker was just trying to enjoy himself through the screams but it felt empty. However it was the first time in a while he felt he could drift off, drift off to dreams of the bat and-Harley. He wasn't sure if it was a dream or not but he was laughing and the bat signal was beaming in the sky. Joker lost control of the wheel as a shadowy figure leapt atop his car.

-  
"Master Wayne?You're home late tonight, or should I say later than usual?" Bruce was distressed, he didn't understand. Joker was reckless. He didn't care about anything but beating Batman and he almost died tonight for nothing. No big fight, no grand schemes, something was up. "It was Joker Alfred...we arrested him and all his goons causing trouble but something was wrong. He almost died! Without a fight, with no reason or goal!" Alfred looked alert and calmly offered an explination "Every villain can have an off day Master Wayne, but was there anything else wrong with tonight?" Bruce began to pace Wayne manors massive study, anything else? "Well there was one thing, no sign of Harley Quinn. Do you think?" Bruce looked at Alfred and recieved a doubtful gaze, *sigh* "Well you never do know with these maniacs sir." True, Bruce thought. But this was a little to strange to be a coincidence.

-  
Harley was clearly depressed Joker hadn't tried to kidnap her. He hadn't even tried to harass her or get to her at all. Harley felt like she was under house arrest, she hadn't been out in weeks. Ivy was very, very protective of her and J.J. Harley absent mindedly placed her hand on her small bump. What, 4 months to go then maybe Ivy will let me go see Mistah J? Ivy had told Harley if she gained any news about the Joker she would keep her informed, he must have been being awful careful recently...Harley was well aware that something must have been wrong she could just feel it but what? Harley had a lot on her mind but she also had a lot to keep her busy, she was on plant care duties. As Ivy had put it "If you can't take care of a plant how are you going to take care of your mini psycopath AND that bastard clown?"

Harley was carefully watering all of Ivy's plants with different pH solutions for "optimum growth" waiting for her to come home. She felt more like a housewife here than she ever did with Mistah J. Suddenly the door began to open, "Hey Red!" Harley yelled as she jumped up and headed for the door, she stopped in her tracks. This wasn't Red, this wasn't Red. This was Red's ex. Two-Face was standing at the door cursing to himself. "Hey Harley, look can I wait for Pam?  
I'm in a jam and we were kind of supposed to share this safehouse." Harley was relieved, he seemed sane today. "Sure siddown and make yourself at home! Red'll be here any minute!" Two-Face sat on the couch and it was obvious he was staring at Harley's bump with a perplexed expression, at least now Harley was sure Red didn't tell a soul.

After several minutes of silence Two-Face began to talk, "So Harley ehhm, how long have you been here?" "Hmm hard to say 'bout 3 months! How come?"  
Two-Face shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Well if you don't mind me asking, how long have you been in this situation? And is it Jokers?" Harley couldn't hide the shock and outrage, " 'Course it is! Why wouldn't it be, I'm no harlet buster I love Mistah J and only him!" Two-Face laughed "Hah, that explains why he's been acting so-" Two-Face searched for a word "reckless lately...none of us could believe how he ended up in Arkham this time but we knew something strange had happened. Hah, who knew it was a baby!" Harley's hands flew to her mouth and tears began to pour from her eyes. She stood up filled with a sense of betrayal. "But he doesn't know. It's a surprise...*gasp* He doesn't know and I didn't know my Puddin' was in danger or I never woulda stayed here! I thought he was safe!  
Oh God!"

Harley ran into the bathroom and locked the door sobbing and leaving Two-Face to his thoughts. So Harley is pregnant and it's Jokers. But Joker doesn't know.  
Was he so bored without Harley he put himself back in Arkham for something to do? She didn't know he was there and now... He didn't get it. The only thing he knew was now Pam was really gonna bust his balls. After a quick coin toss to see if he should flee the crime scene he ran to the door...Just as Ivy was entering the appartment. 


End file.
